Last one

I took my last antidepressant a couple of days ago.

Here come the withdrawal symptoms: the head-shocks, dizziness, lethargy, forgetfulness.

But underneath all that, is there still depression? I still feel like crying, because I’m stupid, useless and ugly. Self-esteem is low. When a bunch of new friends came over to study last night I just felt inferior instead of happy.

Will it always be like this? Should I just go to the doctors and get more pills to get myself though…what? To where?

And this is my biggest fear. I got glandular fever (mono) when I was 18, and it was the sickest I’d ever been, two weeks solid of tonsillitis. When I felt some similar symptoms three years later and went to the doctor for a blood test, he told me I would always be positive for glandular fever, that it will always be in my system, rising to the surface every so often, unexpectedly, to strike me sick.

Depression is the same. There is no cure, only remission. My biggest fear used to be cancer, a disease which strikes so many, often leading to a long and painful death. Now I am afraid of depression; I feel like I’m still waiting to be the person I want to be, and that I think I once was: hard-working, enthusiastic, going above and beyond to secure my dreams. What if I spend my whole life as half a person?

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2 thoughts on “Last one

  1. I do so sympathise H, but … well life’s like that I’m afraid. However do not worry about spending the whole of your life as half a person, just give yourself a big hug and know that it will not always be like this and that the future holds all sorts of amazing things that you have not yet done. It will get better.

  2. Take it form me H, speaking as someone with a certain degree of life experiences (not all good either) you won’t spend your whole life as a half person, it might seem that way right now but trust me you will find out who you want to be soon enough.
    Secure those dreams first and everything else will fall into place.

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