I took my last antidepressant a couple of days ago.
Here come the withdrawal symptoms: the head-shocks, dizziness, lethargy, forgetfulness.
But underneath all that, is there still depression? I still feel like crying, because I’m stupid, useless and ugly. Self-esteem is low. When a bunch of new friends came over to study last night I just felt inferior instead of happy.
Will it always be like this? Should I just go to the doctors and get more pills to get myself though…what? To where?
And this is my biggest fear. I got glandular fever (mono) when I was 18, and it was the sickest I’d ever been, two weeks solid of tonsillitis. When I felt some similar symptoms three years later and went to the doctor for a blood test, he told me I would always be positive for glandular fever, that it will always be in my system, rising to the surface every so often, unexpectedly, to strike me sick.
Depression is the same. There is no cure, only remission. My biggest fear used to be cancer, a disease which strikes so many, often leading to a long and painful death. Now I am afraid of depression; I feel like I’m still waiting to be the person I want to be, and that I think I once was: hard-working, enthusiastic, going above and beyond to secure my dreams. What if I spend my whole life as half a person?